


The Worst Kind of Torture

by charlottefrey



Series: charlotte-freys advent calendar [9]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: M/M, Modern AU, Ridiculous, Warning! Terrible jokes ahead!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-08
Updated: 2014-12-08
Packaged: 2018-02-28 07:18:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2723546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charlottefrey/pseuds/charlottefrey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"we work at the same office and never really interacted but suddenly we’ve been taken hostage" AU (X)<br/>plus bad jokes<br/>DONT GET IRRITATED BY THE TITLE!! NO ONE WILL GET TORTURED IN THIS FIC (you'll understand the joke later!)</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Worst Kind of Torture

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, the title is misleading...but i instead of feeling guilty i am giggling right now...

Thorin rolled around in the back of the van, until he hit a soft warm _thing._ But because his eyes were under a shawl, he couldn’t see anything. Touching the thing was also impossible, because his hands were bound to his back. For that matter, his legs were too. Why would someone take him hostage? He was only a desk worker like all the other’s around him.

The thing groaned. Very humanly. Someone else then.

   “He.” Thorin staid and did the only other thing he could do at the moment: He kicked the someone.

   “Whao—that was uncalled for!” The man said, because it as a man by voice and smell, and kicked back.

   “Welcome to the world of the living.” Thorin joked.

   “Thanks.” Came the dry reply. “Where are we?”

   “In the back of a van, as far as I can tell.” Thorin rolled on his back and growled in pain and instantly returned to his earlier position. He felt breath in his face.

   “We are very close.” The other man said and tried to rob away, but the van took a corner too fast and the two of them were pressed against the wall. Thorin felt, that the other man was definitely smaller than him.

   “Ow, my arms.” Thorin slid away from the other one and sighed.

   “Why would they kidnap us?”

   “No idea.” He heard shuffling and harsh breath.

   “What are you _doing?”_

   “Trying…to free…owww…myself…you fool.”

   “Shhh!” Thorin hissed, when he heard the door open and close again. And yes, soon air hit his face and he felt the cold wind of the cold winter day. He was grabbed harshly and pulled out, the other man behind him. Getting dragged is never something funny, if your mother does it or a kidnapper. He was tied to a chair (seriously? So stereotypical) and he saw finally something. Darkness.

Then the lights went on and he groaned, the other man with him. Blinking, he opened his eyes, only to find himself in a white room, most likely underground, without windows or any other way out than the locked (or unlocked?) door by his right. In front of him, a small man with blonde curls and big, green-brown eyes.

   “Thorin Oakenshield?” The man said, eyes getting even bigger.

   “And who are you?” Thorin said, not wanting to sound so pissed, but he had every reason to do so.

   “Bilbo Baggins.”

   “Oh the little bunny!” Thorin laughed only to receive a glare.

   “Just because Beorn calls me like that, doesn’t mean, I like this nickname!” He said angrily.

   “Sorry, didn’t mean to offend you.” The taller man shifted on his chair. He only got another glare and Bilbo licked his lips. They stayed silent for a while, until Thorin sighed.

   “Do you think, we will get out of here soon?”

   “No idea.” Bilbo shrugged. “How can we know? Beorn could probably not even notice, that we are missing.”

   “Well…not so sure about this. He’s our boss and he is very strict.”

   “I don’t have so much to do with him after all.” Bilbo replied, closing his eyes. “And could we not talk about this?”

   “What are we supposed to talk about?” Thorin shot back.

   “I don’t know, the weather for fucks sake or the trees or work, just not about the entire getting-captured-thing.”

   “Why should we not talk about the problem on hand?” Thorin growled, wanting to slap that man.

   “Just…I am fucking frightened and I don’t want to spent the last few hours of me existence talking about the inevitability of our situation. I am well aware, that the chances are pretty low to get rescued, but anyway…there’s nothing that speaks against talking about every day things at the moment.”

   “Point made.” Thorin replied. “Then let’s talk about work.”

   “If I quite think about it now, rather not.” Bilbo said, Thorin groaning in reply.

   “How about bad jokes?” He tried and stared at the ceiling.

   “Okay. You start.”

   “Uhmm…A blonde walks into a bar. Thought she’s have seen it.” Bilbo blurted out with laughter.

   “Jeeezus, the worst joke I have ever heard. And it’s also sexist. Delete it.”

   “Bet your’s aren’t better!” Thorin shot back, shifting on his chair

   “Have you seen Star Trek?”

   “Yeah…”

   “Okay. How many ears does Captain Kirk have?” Green eyes lit with excitement, Bilbo leaned forward

   “Two??” The tall man furrowed his eyebrows.

   “No, his left ear, his right ear and the Final Front _ear!”_ Bilbo said giggling

   “Oh god! Frontier. Boy this is bad…” Thorin laughed and was close from falling over.

   “See, definitely better than yours.”

   “I got one: Why is six afraid of seven?”

   “No idea!”

   “’Cause seven eight nine.” Bilbo blurted out with laughter.

 

 

Beorn was talking to the police on the phone.

   “You are sure officer?”

   “ _Yeah.”_ The officer huffed. _“They were laughing at awful jokes.”_

“Have you ever encountered something like that?”

   “ _No, but I’d say, better than two men, who need a psychologist.”_

   “Tell them, that they should call me, when they find the time to do so.

   “ _’Course. Have a nice day._ ”

   “Bye.” Beorn said absently, putting his phone down. “Those two…I never expected them to get along…and in such a situation.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, giving kudos and commenting!  
> I wish you all a wondrous 8th of December without getting kidnapped!


End file.
